Isaac was getting old, and his eyesight was growing dim. He called for his older son, Esau, and told him that he would bestow on him a blessing in god's presence before he died.
Remember when Esau sold his birthright for some tasty soup? Well, maybe it'll be okay because he can get his father's blessing.
Anyway, Isaac told Esau to go hunt him some game and prepare him some tasty food and then he would give him his blessing. So Esau went out hunting.
Rebekah overheard this and told her son Jacob to go get some goats and she would prepare them, and then Jacob could get the blessing. I guess Jacob said, you don't think buying his birthright with some soup was enough? Apparently not.
So Jacob says, that's a swell plan ma, but Esau's hairy. I'm not. I know dad's eyesight sucks, but if he touches me the jig is up. And if I'm caught tricking him I'll be cursed instead of blessed.
Rebekah said, just do what I tell you.
She cooked the food, dressed Jacob up in Esau's clothes, then put goat pelts on his hands and neck (ew was Esau THAT hairy??). Jacob took the food into his father.
Isaac asked who is it? And Jacob said, Oh I'm Esau, remember? The one who sold my birthright for some soup? Come to get your blessing? I have tasty food for you!
Isaac I imagine here making a bemused face. Tasty food already? That was quick?
Jacob gave him the catch-all trump card answer: god helped me.
Isaac was still doubtful, probably because Jacob didn't SOUND like Esau, and asked Jacob to come closer so he could touch him. When he felt the goat pelts he said, oh, you sound like Jacob. But you're hairy so I guess you're Esau. Hand over that tasty food.
After he ate Isaac told Jacob to lean down for a kiss and smelled Esau's clothes and gave this general blessing:
Ah, my son smells like a field! A field god has blessed! May you have the dew of heaven and the richness of the earth, and lots of grain and wine. May nations bow down to you and may you lord over your brothers blah blah blah
Thanks dad. I smell like a field.
Thus Jacob got the blessing AND the birthright. Suckers!
Esau came in with his game, unsuspecting, and made the tasty food and took it into his father. He said, hey there, wow quite a hunt. Ready for my blessing!
Isaac was surprised, I just gave you a blessing? Wait a minute. . . HEY! That was JACOB!
Esau said, oh no! First he 'tricks' me into giving him my birthright and now he's taken my blessing! What an asshole! And Isaac said, I know!
Esau asked if there was any blessing left for him, or did he use it all on Jacob. (So blessings, like matter, can neither be created nor destroyed.) Isaac said, I made him lord over you! And Esau said, Oh no! No! Come on! isn't there something you can do?
So Isaac blessed Esau like this:
May you live away from the dew of heaven which I already gave to Jacob, and away from the richness of the earth which I also gave to Jacob. You will live by the sword and your brother will lord it over you, but I suppose one day you'll shake off his yoke.
Thanks dad. You put the yoke there.
Wow, so Esau was PISSED. Isaac was about to die and everyone was preparing for the mourning that would follow, but Esau said as soon as that was over, he was going to KILL his brother. And not in the metaphorical way. And he's probably a big scary hairy man normally, so I can imagine him with an axe to grind. Against someone's head.
Rebekah told Jacob he better get the F outta D before he got hisself kilt, and Jacob went to live with her brother Laban. She told him to stay there until Esau figured out that the whole blessing thing was a bunch of hooey anyway.
She told Isaac that if Jacob had to pick a wife from among the Hittite women, 'my life will not be worth living.'