Saturday, January 24, 2009

Genesis Chapter 26 v.1-35

I just have to quote this first line, it made me laugh:

'Now there was a famine in the land--besides the earlier famine of Abraham's time'.

Oh of course. A famine. Big surprise there.

God told him preemptively not to go to Egypt, even though he was hungry, because god had promised Abraham this land and so Isaac must stay there too.

'"Stay in this land for a while, and I will be with you and will bless you."' As soon as this famine is over. I promise.

So he stayed. In Gerar.

Of course, while there, people asked him about the beautiful woman living with him. And he said, oh she's my sister. (I'm starting to see a general theme going with the men in this family. . . )

But one day the king Abimelech (who had the same name as the one that struck a deal with Abraham, but the translators want us to know that it's probably his grandson) looked out a window and saw Isaac and Rebekah making out. He was probably disgusted at first, until he realized he'd had the wool pulled over his eyes.

So he summoned Isaac to tell him off. What if one of the guys slept with her? What were you gonna do then? Then Abimelech made it known that no one better mess with these people because they are weird with a capital W!

After this Isaac planted some crops and they did well. He planted some more and they did even better. Isaac became very wealthy, and the Philistines around him got a bit miffed. They filled in all his wells. That's not messing with him, right? Abimelech saw the tension and told Isaac he's better move away. So Isaac moved. . . next door? He was in Gerar and he moved to the Valley of Gerar.

He began digging wells. The first two he dug the Philistines had a problem with. They wanted the water. The third well they didn't seem to care about, and Isaac was pretty happy. Wow, a well digging story. Exciting stuff.

Then when Isaac went to Beersheba the lord appeared to him saying the usual thing, I'm god, friend of your dad's blah blah blah. So Isaac built an altar there, and guess what? They dug a well.

Then Abimelech showed up, asking for a treaty. He wanted to hedge his bets, you see, because Isaac seemed to have the backing of some deity. So they ate a feast and swore an oath and everything was cool.

As an afterthought, we are told that Esau (the hairy red dude) was forty when he married Judith and Basemath, both daughters of Hittites. And that these daughters-in-law were a pain in Isaac and Rebekah's neck. How charming.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Genesis Chapter 25 v.1-34

So Sarah was gone and Abraham took another wife named Keturah. He also had some concubines. So he was old, but not dead yet ifyouknowwhatImean winkwinknudgenudge.

Anyway, Ketura bore him 6 children (whose names I don't feel like typing) from whom sprouted approximately eight nations (whose names I don't feel like typing). He gave gifts to these sons, and other unnamed sons of other unnamed concubines, and sent them away. To the east. Somewhere. Apparently Isaac was the jealous type.

So when Abraham died he was 175 years old. So I suppose it was just sort of time for him to check out. He was buried in the cave where Sarah was already interred, and you will remember that cave as being the one he purchased rightfully from the Hittites, just in case there is any misunderstanding. Isaac and his half-brother Ishmael buried him, but Abraham left everything to Isaac, and after Abraham's death god blessed Isaac, so one wonders why Ishmael even bothered.

Ishmael had twelve sons: Nebaioth, Kedar, Adbeel, Mibsam, Mishma, Dumah, Massa, Hadad, Tema, Jetur, Naphish and Kedemah. Just like god promised. And they apparently lived either 'in hostility toward' or 'to the east of' their brothers, the translators aren't sure which. Hm. That's sort of a big difference. You be the judge.
Ishmael lived to the ripe age of 137 before he died.

Isaac was forty when he married Rebekah. She was barren (?!?!?!?!) man what a downer. But never fear, because Isaac PRAYED about it, and man, when you pray about your wife being barren, as we all know, god will TOTALLY get RIGHT ON that particular problem. In like, a hundred years!

Sorry, I shouldn't pshaw so much.

Twenty years after they prayed about the barrenness problem Rebekah became pregnant. So god's time scale is improving a little. She wasn't only pregnant, either, it was with twins! Two for the price of one! They jostled inside her and she was most upset about it, so much so she went to speak with god about why he couldn't ever answer a prayer in a normal fashion. He was undoubtedly hanging around with the djinn of the east too much!

God explained that the two fetuses (fetii?) would grow apart from each other into two separate nations, and that the older would serve the younger.

Which didn't really answer her question. Which had been about HER.

So the first boy she had was a bit of a freakshow, he was covered in red hair. Like the wolfman. He was named Esau. The second son was 'grasping Esau's heel'. So they named him Jacob. Esau was good at hunting (oo killing things, god should like that) and Jacob just stayed inside.

One day, in what could be one of the lamest stories I've ever read anywhere, Esau came in from hunting and was really hungry. Jacob was making some stew and Esau asked to have some. Jacob told him to sell him his birthright first. So Esau did, and Jacob gave him some food. Which goes to show that Esau was either much stupider than Jacob or simply much hungrier. In this way Jacob got the rights and privileges of being firstborn, all for a little red stew and a crust of bread.

Where the hell was I?

Wow, I am a real bastard. There's about 2 centimetres of dust on the bible I was using. Yikes.

Anyway, here goes!

Eh, might as well put it in another post. . .