Exodus 4 v.1-31 A jumbled mess of Moses

This chapter is hard to read. For my purposes, it doesn't matter why. Is Moses on the road to Egypt or not? Did he leave already? His wife just cuts off their son's foreskin? I dunno. Here's how it sounds:

Moses asked god what proof he could show people that this all happened. The bush and the instruction to go to Egypt. God told him to throw his goose-herding staff on the ground--let me back up here. God asked Moses what it was first. What's that? What's what? That long stick thing in your hand. Oh this? This is a staff. Oh, okay, throw it on the ground. It turns into a snake. Ah! A snake! Don't be a pussy, just grab it by the tail. Oh, it's a staff again.

So that's a good . . . trick. Also, does god not know what a staff is?

Then god told Moses to put his hand inside his cloak. To bring out a bunch of FLOWERS! No, just take your hand out again, oh okay. Ah! Leprosy! God must've giggled at that. Yeah, you're a leper now. No, just kidding, put your hand back in your coat and. . .voila! Flowers! No, you just don't have leprosy anymore. Oh, sweet. You know, thousands of years from now human beings will be able to do this. With antibiotics.

If they don't believe that, god told him, just take some water from that river they have, the Nile. Pour it on the ground and it will turn into blood. Trust me.

Moses was dubious he would be able to carry this message. He wasn't a great speaker, apparently. God became angry at this and told him to just use his 'brother' Aaron as a mouthpiece. So that was settled, I guess. Don't forget your long stick thing! Staff? Your staff!

This is where the linear part of the story almost completely breaks down.

Moses asked his father-in-law if he could go to Egypt to free his people. His father-in-law replied, okay, good luck with that.

Then in Midian, god told Moses to go to Egypt. Again. Don't worry, god assured Moses, no one wants to kill you anymore. So Moses packed up his wife and his sons on his donkey.

God had more instructions for Moses. Incredibly confusing instructions.

I am sending you to Egypt to perform the three magic tricks before the Pharaoh there. But also, I am going to harden his heart. So when you ask him to let the Israelites go and he tells you no, you will know that I meant for that to happen.

Okay.

Also, when he refuses, like I know he will, you should tell him that Israel is my first-born son, and that because he won't let Israel go, I will kill his first-born son.

So you're hardening his heart so that you can kill his first-born son?

Yes. This is what they get for worshipping cats.

So on the way to Egypt, at a lodging place, god tried to kill Moses. No idea why.

Okay. Here's the exact next sentence:

²⁵ But Zipporah took a flint knife, cut off her son’s foreskin and touched Moses’ feet with it.<sup>[c] 

See the little footnote? That links to 'the meaning of the Hebrew clause here is uncertain.' No shit.

God didn't kill Moses after all. Possibly even god was shocked and distracted by a mother mutilating the genitals of her son, and just got the hell out of there before anything else happened. 

Which isn't to say that society really sees circumcision as mutilation. But it sort of is. Let's take a little aside here:

I happen to have pierced my body in various places over the years, for various reasons. Each time this happened, I was mutilating my body. The act of puncturing or cutting the body to draw blood and change the physical appearance of the body is mutilation. What makes what I did different from circumcision is that a) when I took many of my piercings out, the holes closed up--they grew back together and b) I was an adult when I made the decision. One of my problems with many major religions--which is more of a cultural thing than a religion thing-- is the idea that you do not own your body. I believe in some ways this point of view makes it okay to pierce babies' ears and cut off skin from the penis. The fact that one of those actions is irreversible seems to me a little unfair. But, admittedly, I'm not as worried about getting into heaven as I am about violating the basic human right of having your body as unmanipulated as possible during childhood. But, again, if I were worried about keeping a rather dangerously capricious god happy, I would see it as a small sacrifice.

The fact that the appearance of circumcision in this story is so confusing the translators have to footnote it with 'no idea what's going on here' gives me pause. I am missing something that may have been well-known to people alive at the time of writing, or it's just one of those crazy twists of telephone when a message gets garbled through over-telling. But it shows up again later in Leviticus, I think. So we'll examine it more closely then. Back to the story. 

Then god told Aaron to go into the wilderness to meet Moses, and the two met at the mountain of god. Which is on the way to Egypt? After the lodging place? 

Aaron believed the tricks Moses performed must come from god or at least a decent slight-of-hand book, and they both convinced the elders and all of their people that god had heard their suffering, and they all bowed down and worshipped Moses. Or god. It's not clear in the text.    

The last bit clearly happened before Moses left. So it should have been inserted sooner in the text. The fact that it's out of order doesn't really argue for much except bad copying practices or bad translations of texts.</sup>  

Exodus 3 v.1-22 (God says Hi)

So Moses settled down to tend his father-in-law's flock. Of something. I'm going to imagine geese.

He led this flock around all day, with maybe a big stick or a dog or something, and one day he came to the mountain of god. I'm not sure he knew it was the mountain of god, or if this was something that everyone knew about this mountain, or if there was perhaps a sign. But while he was there, guess what? That's right, god appeared. On the mountain of god. What a coincidence.

This is how god did it: he set fire to a bush. Moses was staring at this bush on fire, and because the bush didn't seem to be harmed by the flames, he decided to take a closer look.

This is when god yells 'Surprise!' out of the bush. Well, really it was 'Moses!' to which Moses replied, 'Yeah?'

God tells Moses to take his sandals off when he's walking on his mountain. Then begins the speech.

Moses, I am the god of your father and Abraham and blah blah blah, and I have heard the suffering of your people in Egypt.

Really? Just now?

Yes, and I am here to save them. I mean, you are. You are here to save them. With me. You will lead them up from Egypt into a better land. A really great land. Where a number of other nations are living at the moment. Six other nations of people.

Why me? Is this 'cause I killed that guy?

Because I say so! When you lead them all out, bring them here.

When I tell them the god of our fathers has sent me, what name will I tell them?

I am who I am.

So I tell them, I am sent me? This works?

Yes, get all the elders together and tell them I'm sending you to that rich land where millions of people already live. In order for the king of Egypt to let you all go, I'll perform wonders with my mighty hand. Also I'll make the Egyptians give you money and things, and that way you can plunder them. Right?

Right.

So I don't know what moral I can really glean from this except, suffer for a really long time and god will send someone to you that doesn't really want to go to bring you into a land that is already filled with people. Sounds about right.

Exodus 2 v.1-23 (Moses is born)

Presumably right after the Pharaoh (king) had ordered the destruction of male Hebrew babies by any and all, a Levite woman (you remember Levi? Son of Jacob? Me neither) hid her boy baby for a while after it was born. When it became too much she decided to put it in a waterproofed basket in the Nile instead. Fend for yourself, baby!

The Pharaoh's daughter found the basket and felt sorry for the baby. At this point Moses' sister, who saw the whole thing go down, suggested that the princess get a Hebrew woman to nurse it for her, so she did: the very baby's mother, who was paid as a wet nurse to suckle her own child. Sounds a bit convenient to me, but okay. When he was weaned he became the princess' son, Moses.

He grew up in the palace, I guess. They don't go into detail. After he became a man, he watched his own people at work in their slavery. When he saw an Egyptian beating a Hebrew, and there was no one around to see, he killed the Egyptian and buried his body.

Moses' first act, as related by the author, is murder. And cover-up. Ooooo, Nixon can tell you what the cover-up gets you.

Indeed, later he tried to settle some kind of fist fight dispute between two Hebrews and they taunted him by asking something like, "What are you gonna kill me like that Egyptian, huh?"

The Pharaoh tried to kill Moses, then. Personally? Maybe he hired some goons. I dunno. At any rate, like many a murderer, Moses went into hiding.

He ran to Midian, where there was a well. At the well he witnessed seven women trying to gather water for their father and being turned away by the shepherds there. So Moses stepped up and got them the water and sent them on their way. That was nice of him.

The women got home from this chore earlier than usual, so their father, the priest, asked them about it. "Oh, some Egyptian dude helped us out." What? Invite him for dinner!

Dinner turned into a betrothal. He married one of the daughters, Zipporah, and had a son, Gershom.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the king of Egypt died and the Israelites groaned and moaned about their slavery until their god became concerned.