Genesis 49: 1-33 (Israel dies)

Did I give away the ending? You had to have foreseen it, no one lives forEVER. Yes I'm making a joke.

So Israel was getting frail and wanted to bless his many sons before he died so he bade them gather 'round his sickbed.

Reuben! he cried, you are my firstborn! You are mighty and strong. You will no longer be mighty and strong, for now you have defiled my couch! (?) Now off with you!

Simeon and Levi! You're next. You guys are a couple of thugs. All you want to do is violence. Well, do it somewhere else, I disperse both of you!

Judah! You're the best! You'll rule for a long time, son, for you are like the lioness, reow! Nations will bow before you. You will wash your clothes in wine and have very white teeth. (Not making that last bit up)

Zebulun! You will live by the sea. Have fun.

Issachar! You will work very hard for your nice life.

Dan! You will be justice for the land! You will be like a snake that lies by the road and waits to bite unsuspecting horses who then throw their riders! I'm on a roll!

Gad, you will be attacked by a band of raiders. But then you will attack them back. Specific, huh?

Asher, you're going to be a cook.

Naphtali, you will have many fawns.

Joseph. . . ah Joseph. My favourite. Ahem. Joseph, you will be like a fruitful vine, shooting back at archers that attack you, (?) your arms limber and strong. You are blessed by your father, by your father's god, blessed from the skies, the deeps, from the bosom and the womb, a blessing better than those mountains over there, blessed, blessed, all these blessings upon you, you prince among herders!

Benjamin. You're next. You. . . uhh. . .you're like a wolf, aren't you? Yeah, you'll devour your prey in the day, divide up the spoils at night. That's your blessing.

Thanks dad.

Then Israel made sure they all knew where he was meant to be buried, the field of Ephron the Hittite, remember, the one Abraham bought? Remember, we buried Leah there?

Wait, Leah's dead? News to me. Anyway. His sons all agreed, so Israel laid back down, tired from the blessings, and died.