Whew!

Just a quick note here, I didn't have a bible after I left my husband (go figure). I believe I will be accessing it online and hopefully continuing these posts. Since ishie is the only one who reads it, i guess this message is for her alone. Hope your presentation went well, chica! yay nyc!

-slappy

Genesis chapter 31 v. 1-55

Jacob heard his brothers-in-law talking. They were saying things like, 'hey, you know that Jacob, he's pretty wealthy now, and it's all because of our father Laban.' This of course, was true. It made Jacob nervous, though. He was a shifty person, and shify people get nervous easily. Also, Laban was acting differently towards him.

So then god said to Jacob, why don't you go back to your home now? I'm sure Esau isn't mad anymore. I'll be with you. It'll be fine.

So he met with his two wives out in the fields and told them that their father was acting funny. He told them he'd worked for a long time and their father hadn't given him a fair shake. But he figured he was still okay because he was being watched over by god, and that god made it so that if Laban told him to take the speckled offspring all the offspring that year were speckled.

So that's a bit contradictory. I mean, in the last chapter Jacob did some mystical genetics meddling to make sure he got all the offspring. Now he tells his wives that it was god that made his flock so large. Now he tells them that god took away their father's flock and gave it to him. History being rewritten as we read.

Boy, Jacob was on a tear in this sililoquy. He goes on to say that he once had this dream during breeding season where he saw speckled goats mating with the flock, and that in the dream god pointed this out to him and said, look at all the speckled males mating in the flock. God then told him to leave and go back to his native land.

Rachel and Leah listened to this and told him that they no longer have any share in their inheritance anyway. They reasoned that since the dowry for their marriage was paid in manhours, all the wealth that Jacob had accumulated was owed to them.

Then they said: "So do whatever God has told you." Since it's in our best interest.

So Jacob got everyone together, his two wives, two maidservants, twelve children, and however many manservants he had, and, driving the livestock ahead of them, left. Before this, Rachel waited until her father went out shearing and stole all his household gods. For some reason. I imagine her snickering when she does it.

Three days after their departure Laban noticed they were gone. Hey I need to borrow a cup of sugar. . . where IS everyone?!? He gathered his relatives and went after Jacob. But god came to him in a dream in transit and told him, don't say anything to Jacob! Good or bad! Ah, the specificity.

Well, Laban caught up with Jacob in Gilead, which is some beautiful grazing land north of the Dead Sea. Laban, completely disregarding what god told him, because Laban had had his own gods stolen from him, told Jacob off.

What? What is this? You left without a word! Boy are you shifty! This is half my family you have with you, I wanted to say goodbye! You know, I'd knock you flat but that scary god of yours told me last night not to. But you know, I noticed all my household idols are missing. Coincidence? Do you have them?

Jacob, not knowing what Rachel had done, told Laban he didn't have his stupid gods. And that they were ugly anyway. He said, go on and look for them here, if you love them so much why don't you marry them?

So Laban looked through everyone's tents. When he got to Rachel's tent she was sitting on her camel's saddle, probably trying to look nonchalant. The idols were in the saddle. She said, oh, daddy! How good to see you! I would get up to hug you but you know, I'm on my period. (Geeze I wish I'd made that last bit up.) So Laban didn't find his household gods. Wonder how hard they were to come by.

Jacob was pretty steamed. Didn't find them did you?!? You should know I'm not a common theif! I'm an uncommon theif! Are you happy?

Boy this next soliloquy is great, he went on to tell Laban, oh I've worked for you for TWENTY YEEEEARS! And you've changed my wages TEEEEEENNNNNN TIIIIIIMMMEEESS! And I've never eaten rams from your flock! And you always wanted me to cover for anything that was stolen, and I DID! "The heat consumed me in the daytime and the cold at night, and sleep fled from my eyes." If it hadn't been for god you probably would have turned me out into the STREEEEEETTT!!! But now god has finally spoken to you on my behalf!

Laban answered evenly, yeah, but everything that surrounds you is mine. Seriously. My daughters, my grandchildren, my flocks, my camels. . . probably my tents and tent poles. Everything you have is what you've taken from me. You owe your wealth to me and your own avarice, not god.

Which is true.

But Laban didn't want any trouble, after all. They made a covenant there, in front of a pile of rocks. That he would not follow any farther, that they would not harm each other. I think that Laban realizes finally that if his daughters have a shrewd husband they'll probably do well in life. He left the next morning after giving half his family a kiss and a hug.

I think it's understated here how desolate it might be for someone to leave without saying goodbye. I think of Laban as this wily kind of snarky uncle. But good natured. And he is shocked and hurt when that many people leave unannounced. And it's Jacob's fault. But he must realize eventually that he brought some of it on himself, being wily, and he now must come to terms with the fact that he was okay with Jacob marrying his daughters even though one day he knew they must all leave, probably for good. No wonder he kept cheating and hemming and hawing on the subject. He's human.

Jacob should have been a little less of a bastard about things, though, that much is obvious. He's a coward that only stands up when his back is against the wall. And his head is getting bigger now he thinks he has god on his side.

Genesis Chapter 30 v.1-41

There was a mad-cap romantic comedy afoot in Jacob's household:

Rachel was pretty upset that her ugly sister Leah was getting all the attention with her children, and Rachel didn't have any in the oven. So she gave Jacob her maidservant. How thoughtful.

Jacob had a son by Billah the maidservant. Rachel was happy. She claimed it was god's doing that produced a son for her. Sure.

Billah became pregnant with a second son by Jacob. These proxy sons of Rachel's were named Dan and Naphtali.

Leah also thought this was a good idea, and gave Jacob her maidservant, Zilpah. Suddenly the Benny Hill music is playing in my head. Zilpah bore Jacob two sons also, named Gad and Asher.

So, if we're keeping score, it seems Leah is still winning. Even with the proxy children Rachel was down 2, and now she'd been bested in that game as well.

Then one of Leah's sons brings her some mandrake root. Mandrake root, as I'm sure you all know, is supposed to induce pregnancy when eaten (by women, anyway). Ostensibly this is because it resembles the lower half of a man. Oh, the jokes that surely abound (see also: that's what she said).

So Rachel tried to get Leah to give her some of the mandrake root and Leah said, sure, if you give me Jacob for the night. Rachel agreed and Leah went out to meet Jacob when he came in from the fields, saying something like 'drop 'em hubby I've bought you off.'

Leah became pregnant three more times, two boys and a girl. Issachar, Zebulun, and Dinah. She still wanted her husband's respect, but I'm pretty sure buying his affections with tubers was probably not helping her case.

Finally, as if awoken from a nap, God entered the picture and opened Rachel's womb. Right after she ate mandrake root. God is also not helping himself in the respect department. Here he even fails in the causality department.

So Rachel named her son Joseph, and then immediately asked for another son.

Meanwhile, Jacob was still trying to get the F out of D. He was arguing with Laban about the work he'd done, and that he was no longer his indentured servant, and that he wanted to take his family back to his home. Laban was having none of it. He knew how well things were going with Jacob's free labour, and also, he was probably having fun watching the sitcom that was unfolding next door. Eight's company and all that.

Laban wanted to know what Jacob needed. Just name your price and stay. Jacob, being a shrewd bastard, decided to tell Laban that he'd like to glean a herd of his own from Laban's flocks, but would only take those sheep and goats that were speckled or dark-coloured. Laban agreed. He separated the flocks then left.

While he was gone, Jacob decided to put some branches into the water troughs where the sheep drank. Branches he had made magical by cutting them with white lines. The sheep mated at the troughs and presto! They had spotted offspring.

Once again, the bible is NOT a place I go when I want to study genetics.

This actually worked, according to the bible. Jacob made himself a nice little flock when Laban was gone. Also, he made sure the stronger couples were the ones mating in front of the branches. So his speckled flock was stronger. So they understood at least THAT much.

So Jacob became very rich and prosperous off of cheating his father-in-law and performing some magical genetics rituals. The End.

I don't really see the point of this chapter. Comic relief? How to get a piebald sheep?