Genesis Chapter 3 (v. 1 to 24)

"Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the Lord God made."

God, apparently, had an ordering of craftiness, and decided that the serpent should be at the top. At the bottom would be. . . I dunno. Man.

The serpent asked "the woman" if God had told her not to eat from any tree in the garden. Either all animals talked back then, or the woman was incredibly hard to surprise. If a snake came up to me and asked me about God, I'd crush its head, but whatever.

The woman said, naw, we just can't eat from the tree in the middle of the garden. Or touch it. Touch it and die, He said.

The serpent, --telling the truth, I might add-- said, you won't die, you stupid clout. God just doesn't want you knowing the difference between good and evil.

The last statement, if it were really true, would preclude God putting a serpent OR the tree in the garden to begin with.

Then the author says that the woman saw that this fruit was tasty looking, and also "desirable for gaining wisdom." So this woman wanted to be wise. Is that bad? Is it good?

Of course she gave some to her husband --"who was with her"-- and he ate it. A lot of children's bibles picture Eve going with the fruit off in search of Adam, with Adam blamelessly not knowing whatever was happening. But he was there. With her. And didn't say anything.

Then they realized they were naked and tried to cover themselves with fig leaves.

God was walking around in the garden in the "cool of the day" and the two heard him and hid. When God called for Adam, (didn't God know where he was?) the man said he was hiding because he was naked.

God said, where'd you pick up that lingo? . . .Waaaait a minute. . . You've been eating from the tree! The one I told you not to eat from!!

The man (probably pointing a finger) said, yeah it was this woman that YOU put here! SHE gave me the fruit!

Now I imagine both of them looking at her and she says, uh-uh! the serpent! the serpent decieved me!

There should have been a better argument here. There should have been the question put to God as to why He told them both that eating from the tree would strike them down dead. What would he have said to that? 'Yeah, that was tasty fruit, and look! I'm still alive! Explain THAT!'

So God said to the serpent, you've done it now, I'm cursing your kind. You'll have to slither and eat dust. And the serpent probably replied, I don't eat dust, I eat rats. And God probably said, it's a figure of speech, and crushed the serpent's head, causing it to bite the dust.

Also, God made it so people hate snakes. And that snakes try to bite people. AND, because he was on a roll, he made childbirth very painful, and made women subservient to their husbands.

All he cursed Adam with was parched and dry soil. And then Adam invented irrigation. So that problem was solved. He got off easy.

"Adam named his wife Eve". Up until now she was referred to as "the woman."

Then God, being a fan of high fashion, clothed the couple in the finest furs, because fig leaves are so last season. And God said, now man has become like "us" (????) and knows good and evil. I'm kicking him out before he finds out what fruit from the tree of life does. Can't have that.

God kicked people out of his stupid garden, and put an angel at one of the gates with a flaming sword in order to guard the way back, or, possibly, because he was a drama queen.

Here I must interject a question to all Christians, respectfully. Who is "us?" Was he talking to the Devil? Other Gods? Why was the Devil immortal? Why would God create a tree for immortality at all?

None of it makes logical sense to me. But it's a good story.