Genesis Chapter 35 v.1-29

God conveniently told Jacob at this time that getting out of the area would be a good idea. You know, after the massacre and all.

Jacob was told to go to Bethel, and so he got his family together and told them to get rid of all their petty gods because they were going to go to a new place, presumably where god cared about such things. He made them all bathe and change their clothes, and give him their earrings (?) and they set out.

While they were on their way no one confronted them. The author assumes it is because of god, but I'm wondering if word had spread of Jacob's insane sons.

When they got there, Rebekah's nurse died and they buried her. Then god renamed Jacob, telling him that he would refer to him from now on as Israel.

Then the usual: you will be king, kings will come from your body, blah blah blah, I will give you the land I gave Abraham and Isaac, blah blah blah. Jacob-oops, Israel-built a stone pillar in the place where all this happened.

Then they all left, I guess to go set up shop in the land that god promised Israel. On the trip away from Bethel, Rachel died in childbirth, and named the son she had Ben-Oni before she expired. But Jacob named the child Benjamin anyway.

So Rachel was buried and they continued their trip.

While stopping to rest, Reuben slept with his father's concubine. The author doesn't seem to care which one. Or why.

Then we get a neat list of all of Jacob's sons. I will not bother re-listing them here.

When Israel finally returned home, his father Isaac died, at the ripe age of 180. Why does the bible constantly shoot down hopes of credibility with these insane life spans? Must be part of the mystery of god.

Esau and Israel ne Jacob buried their father.

Genesis Chapter 34 v.1-31

Here's a heartwarming tale:

Dinah was Jacob and Leah's daughter. When he settled down in Succoth to avoid following his brother home, Dinah went out to make friends with the women of the town there. While she was wandering around, presumably unescorted, she was raped by the son of the ruler of that area, Shechem (son of Hamor). Also, he spoke tenderly to her. I dunno.

Well, that sucks. What sucks worse, perhaps, is that Shechem then asked his father if he could keep her. As his wife.

When Jacob first heard about this he kept quiet, because his sons were in the fields. I don't understand that ancient logic, but okay.

Hamor visited Jacob to ask after Dinah. Jacob's sons must've heard the news because they came in during the meeting all pissed off.

But Hamor tried to make the whole thing sound palatable. "Look, just give my son your daughter, and you can take our daughters for your sons, and we'll live as one people."

Shechem even told Jacob to name his dowry. Anything at all to smooth things over. As long as he could marry Dinah.

The sons of Jacob named their price: circumcision. Yikes. But Shechem and his father Hamor agreed. And then they agreed to ask everyone in the town to submit. And the men all agreed. For the sake of peace, one assumes.

But Jacob's sons were bastards just like their father.

Three days after the circumcision, while the men were still recovering, Levi and Simeon slaughtered every male in the town, looted all the houses, and took their sister back.

Jacob scolded them by telling them they'd made quite a stink in the land. Also, if those people joined forces and attacked, they'd all be killed.

His sons replied: That's what they get for treating our sister like a prostitute.

I don't really have any commentary on this story. I think it speaks for itself.

Genesis Chapter 33 v. 1-20

Jacob looked up and saw his brother Esau, followed by his four hundred men. AH! Strategy first, though.

He divided his children and women in order of importance--like, who he didn't minded killed--namely, he put his maidservants and their children in front, then Leah and her children, and lastly, Rachel and Joseph. You know, just in case his brother's wrath broke through the line.

Then he went ahead of them and greeted his brother with as many bows as he could muster, saying obsequious things like, 'my lord' and 'my master' and 'my, how god-like you look in the morning light!'

But of course Esau, having grown older and wiser and perhaps put away his childish want for vengance, rushed forward and hugged his conniving brother tearfully and they both wept (one with relief, I'm sure).

Then came the family introductions. Every time Jacob introduces somebody he throws in a 'my lord' or 'your servant: me' for good measure. Then Esau wants to know why Jacob sent all those people and animals on ahead of him. Jacob tells his brother they're a gift, and after some convincing, Esau accepts them as such. Everyone is trying to outdo everyone else in niceness. I hate family reunions.

Come on then, says Esau, let's go. I'll accompany you.

But Jacob refuses. His excuse is that if he pushes the newborn animals of his flock too hard, they'll die. Also, he wants to go at the pace of his children. This must've puzzled Esau as much as it did me. But in the end Jacob's brother leaves with his legions.

So Jacob didn't trust Esau after all. That's the conclusion I draw from this. And god told him it would be all right, and surely his brother's welcome was proof of this, but Jacob hedged his bets. I think Jacob is one of those people who's always trying to pull something, and so expects everyone else to be doing the same thing. He's a con artist.

Anyway, he didn't even follow Esau. He set up camp nearby and bought some land and stayed put. He even set up an altar.