Sunday, March 8, 2009

Genesis Chapter 29 v. 1-35

Jacob got to Paddan Aram and there was a well with a huge stone over it, and the shepherds were gathering their flocks around it to water them.

Jacob asked the shepherds if they knew Laban and they said, oh yeah. Here comes his daughter Rachel with his herds.

Jacob looked and saw a lovely shepherdess, and he rolled the stone off the well just for her. Then he introduced himself, and for some reason began to cry. She was a sight for sore eyes! His cousin!

Jacob stayed at Laban's place. After he was there a while, helping with the flocks, Laban asked him if he'd like to be paid for his work. Jacob told him that he wanted to marry Rachel and Laban said, okay, well, you'll have to work for seven years for that. Sounds like Laban was trying to deter Jacob a little, huh? Jacob worked for seven years.

At the end of seven years they had a wedding feast and got really really really drunk. I mean blotto. Went to the wedding suite and got it on big time! Woo!

When Jacob woke up and rolled over to stare into his bride's eyes, who the hell was THAT?!?!? It was Leah, Rachel's older, homelier sister. WTF?!?

Yeah, Laban pulled a fast one. Those deceit genes were strong in that screwed up family.

Jacob went to Laban and asked him for Rachel, but Laban told him, oh you know we don't give the younger girl in marriage before the older one, I thought you understood all that. But you can have Rachel now if you work seven more years.

So Jacob got two wives, and he was only into one of them. Also, he worked for seven more years.

God noticed that Jacob married this girl Leah and didn't give a toss about her. So he deliberately fucked with the situation by making Leah fertile and Rachel barren. So Leah had four sons by Jacob, Reuben, Simeon, Levi and Judah.

Genesis Chapter 28 v.1-22

So Rebekah's nagging ploy worked because Isaac sent for Jacob and told him to go pick a wife from among his uncle Laban's children, otherwise your mother will kill herself.

Esau found out how much his parents hated the Hittites (also referred to as the Canaanites) and promptly married one of Ishmael's daughters for good measure. Her name was Mahalath. This was 'in addition to the wives he already had.'

Polygamy, in case anyone was wondering, is a-okay according to the bible.

On the way to Paddan Aram Jacob 'stopped for the night because the sun had set.' Could be one of the stupidest phrases I've ever read. He rested his head on a comfortable stone and had a dream that heaven's gates were opened and a tall staircase descended from there upon which a dazzling array of angels were commuting up and down.

Above the staircase was god. God told Jacob that he was going to give Jacob the land where he was sleeping, famine or no famine, and that he would watch over him wherever he went. He made other familiar promises, like the increase of offspring and the peoples of the earth being blessed through him blah blah blah. Maybe god thought it was okay all the bad shit Jacob had done to his brother. All the lying and cheating and coniving. Yeah, come to think of it, that would totally be god's style.

Jacob woke up probably with an AH! Looking around himself, paranoid. Then saying aloud to no one, wow, so god. . . is. . . so there is a . . . okay. . .

He put his stone pillow on a handy nearby pillar, and consecrated it with oil. Just to hedge his bets.

Jacob vowed, okay, well, if god really does bring me back safely, and gives me food and clothes and stuff, then I guess I will believe in him. And I'll gladly give back one tenth to god what god has given me. But only if I make it home safely! And also, I want a pony.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Genesis Chapter 27 v.1-46

Isaac was getting old, and his eyesight was growing dim. He called for his older son, Esau, and told him that he would bestow on him a blessing in god's presence before he died.

Remember when Esau sold his birthright for some tasty soup? Well, maybe it'll be okay because he can get his father's blessing.

Anyway, Isaac told Esau to go hunt him some game and prepare him some tasty food and then he would give him his blessing. So Esau went out hunting.

Rebekah overheard this and told her son Jacob to go get some goats and she would prepare them, and then Jacob could get the blessing. I guess Jacob said, you don't think buying his birthright with some soup was enough? Apparently not.

So Jacob says, that's a swell plan ma, but Esau's hairy. I'm not. I know dad's eyesight sucks, but if he touches me the jig is up. And if I'm caught tricking him I'll be cursed instead of blessed.

Rebekah said, just do what I tell you.

She cooked the food, dressed Jacob up in Esau's clothes, then put goat pelts on his hands and neck (ew was Esau THAT hairy??). Jacob took the food into his father.

Isaac asked who is it? And Jacob said, Oh I'm Esau, remember? The one who sold my birthright for some soup? Come to get your blessing? I have tasty food for you!

Isaac I imagine here making a bemused face. Tasty food already? That was quick?

Jacob gave him the catch-all trump card answer: god helped me.

Isaac was still doubtful, probably because Jacob didn't SOUND like Esau, and asked Jacob to come closer so he could touch him. When he felt the goat pelts he said, oh, you sound like Jacob. But you're hairy so I guess you're Esau. Hand over that tasty food.

After he ate Isaac told Jacob to lean down for a kiss and smelled Esau's clothes and gave this general blessing:

Ah, my son smells like a field! A field god has blessed! May you have the dew of heaven and the richness of the earth, and lots of grain and wine. May nations bow down to you and may you lord over your brothers blah blah blah

Thanks dad. I smell like a field.

Thus Jacob got the blessing AND the birthright. Suckers!

Esau came in with his game, unsuspecting, and made the tasty food and took it into his father. He said, hey there, wow quite a hunt. Ready for my blessing!

Isaac was surprised, I just gave you a blessing? Wait a minute. . . HEY! That was JACOB!

Esau said, oh no! First he 'tricks' me into giving him my birthright and now he's taken my blessing! What an asshole! And Isaac said, I know!

Esau asked if there was any blessing left for him, or did he use it all on Jacob. (So blessings, like matter, can neither be created nor destroyed.) Isaac said, I made him lord over you! And Esau said, Oh no! No! Come on! isn't there something you can do?

So Isaac blessed Esau like this:

May you live away from the dew of heaven which I already gave to Jacob, and away from the richness of the earth which I also gave to Jacob. You will live by the sword and your brother will lord it over you, but I suppose one day you'll shake off his yoke.

Thanks dad. You put the yoke there.

Wow, so Esau was PISSED. Isaac was about to die and everyone was preparing for the mourning that would follow, but Esau said as soon as that was over, he was going to KILL his brother. And not in the metaphorical way. And he's probably a big scary hairy man normally, so I can imagine him with an axe to grind. Against someone's head.

Rebekah told Jacob he better get the F outta D before he got hisself kilt, and Jacob went to live with her brother Laban. She told him to stay there until Esau figured out that the whole blessing thing was a bunch of hooey anyway.

She told Isaac that if Jacob had to pick a wife from among the Hittite women, 'my life will not be worth living.'